Making Our Marriage Work - Fighting

Fighting is never a fun topic.  When I used to look for support on this one the majority of trucker's wives sites simply said don't fight.  In a perfect world this would be great.  But, I am no where near perfect.  If I followed this method then the conflict would either be bottled up until I exploded or I would end up talking to someone else about the issues and involving more people in our relationship.  Both methods end up doing more damage than good to our relationship.
The Colonel and I are both very strong-willed people.  Add in sleepless nights and stressful situations and our tempers get the better of us more often then I would care to admit.  Not something we are proud of, but something we are constantly trying to do better with.  Here are some of the things that we have learned to help keep the fights to a minimum.

• Take Control of Outside Influences - Pay attention to when you fight the most.  Is there a pattern of outside influences?  For us it is things like the first few weeks of training a new student, when the Colonel is driving in certain places, if he has a difficult student, the few weeks before a big event at home, just to name a few.  Take control of these influences rather than letting them control your relationship.  For the first few weeks of a new student on the truck, I know the Colonel is going to have less time and be exhausted.  So I try to give him more time to rest at home and don't take it personally if he can't talk.  We avoid talking if he is driving through a difficult area like NYC or Chicago.  Before I figured this one out 8 times out of 10 it would end in a heated argument where things were said that can never be taken back.  If he knows an event is coming up and he has some time at home, he makes more of an effort to help get the apartment ready or plays with the kids so I can get some things done.
• Learn to Listen to Each Other - The Colonel and I are both awful with this, but we are making an effort to be better about it.  When your significant other calls totally frustrated because the house was left totally trashed after your home time, don't just blow it off.  Pick up after yourself and make an effort.  More than likely you aren't the only one that needed a break.  It may seem unnoticed but it's not.  When your trucker is complaining about the nagging try to back off  (but trucker remember this - the nagging is usually the result of something that is causing stress).  If one of you has had a rough day, listen and be sympathetic.  Remember sooner or later you will have a rough day and will not want your significant other to be pretending to listen to you.  By letting the issues be talked out in the open it reduces the need to bottle them up, which decreases the intensity of the explosion and most times completely prevents it.
• Make Time for Each Other -  If you have time to talk to the other truckers or watch that movie, you have time to answer a message or send your significant other a text.  When I was working and taking care of Princess, it wasn't always easy but I made time for my trucker.  It's all about priorities.  If you are important to each other you will find a way.
• When It Gets Heated Take a Break - There are days when I or both of us are just looking to pick a fight.  The stress gets to be too high and it is just easier to take it out on the person closest to you.  This is the easiest option but the easiest is rarely the best.  When they bite your head off no matter what you say, it's best to end the conversation as positively as you can, hang up and give them time.  If you are the one getting the phone call and know you are in a mood, don't answer the phone.  Send a text if possible saying it isn't a good time and you will call later (obviously not an option if you are driving).  I won't lie, I usually get a little snappy about it.  The Colonel may get an "Whatever the heck is going on, I didn't do it and I don't deserve to be screamed at! Goodbye." or "I didn't make you answer the phone."  Eventually, everyone cools off and makes their apologies.  And for the most part you avoid saying things you will regret.
• Do Not Go to Bed Angry - I am one of those people that cannot sleep if there is unresolved conflict.  The Colonel can sleep just fine unless one of us is seriously ill and he is on the road.  The point of this is that you don't know what's going to happen and most people don't want a fight as a last memory.  On the same note, make an effort to say "I love you." even if you are angry or hurt.  I am guilty of not always doing this, but I know I would never forgive myself if something happened and I hadn't told him I love you.